im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
