i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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