Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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