Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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