You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
two words...techno handjob
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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