She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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