I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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