i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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