You kept calling me your small dog last night.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
