The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The air was thick with penises
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
