well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
