are you so shy because you have an std?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
