Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
