guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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