Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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