I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
