I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
