i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
