I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
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