her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
