i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
