youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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