I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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