Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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