Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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