upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
