So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize