You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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