the condom got lost in my hair
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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