They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
