I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
