no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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