Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
