and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
