I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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