You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
