If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize