Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
