New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
should my penis look like a turkey
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
They have beer where we have blood.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
