He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
