If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
