I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
