Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize