he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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