oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
