Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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