Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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