This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
