I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
