my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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