First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
