Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize