I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
