Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
