so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
