Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
