I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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