I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
not ubering you a puppy
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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