I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
