Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
