I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
