So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
