I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I did not marry a roomba.
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