Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
