I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize