were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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